HELP!! THE HOME STUDY IS COMING!!!
Home study Journey with kids at home:
The research:
I put up to polls on several sites. They ran for almost 3 days and are
presently running. The polls and result are as follows.
<>< <>< <>< <>< FIRST POLL><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Children at home: When to tell? If you are adopting or DID adopt while you had a child at home, did you tell them about the adoption? How much? and When? | |||||
| Yes, we told them from day one so that they were in the know the whole time! | 58.3% | 7 | |||
| Yes, but we waited until referral was given so the wait time was less on them. | 25% | 3 | |||
| No, we felt they wouldn't understand some aspects. | 16.7% | 2 | |||
| No, we didn't feel it was necessary. | 0% | 0 | |||
| Yes, but we waited until we traveled to get the child. | 0% | 0 | |||
| I don't know, we are still deciding and need some help. | 0% | 0 | |||
total votes: 12 | |||||
<>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< SECOND POLL><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
I had children in my home when I started my homestudy to adopt and...... | |||||
| The Social worker interviewed my child/children and wanted to see that they knew and were ok with our decision to adopt. | 87.5% | 7 | |||
| Our Social worker didn't talk to our children at all about our adoption for some reason! | 12.5% | 1 | |||
| Our social worker didn't talk to our children about the adoption because we asked her not to. | 0% | 0 | |||
total votes: 8 | |||||
<>< <>< <>< <>< RESPONSE 1 ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
"We're still waiting for a referral. . .our social worker did not talk
to our kids about the adoption because they're too young. And we plan
to start talking about our new little one once we have a referral. .
.to me, kids have so little understanding of time and it doesn't make
sense to get them excited/worried or whatever until it's closer to our
forever family day. I think it all depends on how old your children
are as to when to start talking about it."
<>< <>< <>< <>< <>< RESPONSE 2 <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <><
"
Well as far as telling her we were going to adopt, she has been
waiting for it for a long time so she was excited to hear we were
finally going to adopt. She has been involved with my friend Sarah's
adoptions from the beginning. We are very open and honest with her
about what is happening. And we keep her involved with everything like
if there are delays, we tell her to pray to God for them and trust in
Him and she feels like she is doing something huge to help bring the
baby home. She still asks when it will happen and other questions,
like lots of kids do. But we do our best to explain that things take
time, and we need to be patient, and pray to God about it.
I really feel the kids should be part of the process from the
beginning. Make them feel like they play an important role in this
process. That they can pray for it and they can help get things ready
in the house. I mean there is so much that Sancia just wants to help
with for the adoption. When we had yard sales for fundraisers, she was
there and excited to have them. She would talk to people about the
adoption and about the baby and it wasn't even our adoption... LOL!
I guess what I am saying is, definitely don't wait until court date or
travel date to tell them. I would tell them from the beginning. I dont
know about your kids, but my daughter likes to know what is going on
in her world and doesn't like huge life altering changes sprung on
her. It causes more unnecessary stress and problems. Kids like to
know what is going on around them. It makes them feel secure. We want
her to know that even though we are adding to our family, she is still
very much apart of our lives and love.
My best advice would be to pray about it. And see what God would have
you do."
No one else has responded yet... to keep up with this poll and it's
answers.. it is available
Taiwankiddo2.blogspot.com
Taiwankiddo2-private.blogspot.com
Taiwanindependentadoptioninfo.blogspot.com
FROM THE MIND OF A SARAH:
How young have you had a SW talk to children?
Jeremiah was 3 years old when our social worker came and she
didn't do a private interview with him or anything. He also does not talk well
right now thought due to the CP. BUT she didn't know an we didn't know why he
didn't talk much but she still wasn't interseted in talking to him much. She
mostly observed David and I and watched to see if we acted age appropriately
with him and if we showed good understanding of how to deal with his age and the
problems or incidents that arose during our interviews.
What did they ask?
She asked us what various disciplines we employ with Jer and
will employ with Josiah. WE were very honest about our disciplining methods.
Usually I answer kind of vaguely however because we believe that discipline is
per case and per child. We take in their understanding level and the level of
severity with each issue. So we always tell them we don't have a pat answer for
them. We bend and grow with the child. They seem to like this answer alot for it
shows them we are taking our time and thinking through each discipline. They ask
about your relationships with the child. How you get along. What problems you
have overcome with the child. Your weaknesses in raising the child and your
strengths a you see them.
and how did you expalin it to the child.
Although Jer can't talk, his reasoning is on a 6 year old level
or higher. He is absolutely brilliant and comes up with some interesting stuff
adults don't think of. BUT we told him we were getting him a brother and we had
to do this homestudy, to please behave..lol. We told him why the lady was here
but we didn't go into great details. Now yours may ask WAY more questions or
want to know more. I would suggest just trying to not stress them out with it
even though YOU will more than likely be stressed. Make it like anyother visit
like when the pastor stops by or a friend that doesn't normally visit. Keep it
low key.
My concern is that we are not sure how much, if anything, we want to
discuss with Our children??
I would suggest that this is not a good idea. Children need to be
in the know and to have the benefit of understanding the best they can. Other
wise you may have more jealousy than necessary when the child arrives because
the other children feel pushed out of the event. I would suggest you let them in
all the way. If not from day one, then from the referral. Kids are so keen they
will pick up despite your efforts to hid it. The more you involve them the more
success I have seen. I have seen some disrupt too and the kids were fine. Sad
but fine. They got referral number 2 and the kids were happy and on mark again.
The fact is Amy, if you were pregnant you would probably make it exciting and
let them touch your belly and such. AND the fact is that women lose bio baby's
more than they have disrupted international adoptions. So you are pretty safe in
sharing the venture. We took extra steps with Jer. He was in a crib still. The
crib we need for Jo. Jer was 2 1/2 when we started this and so we got him a cool
new big boy bed and told him how Jo would get the crib now cause he is the baby.
Jer was great with this. These things are necessary so that Jer doesn't feel
replaced by Jo. Things like this is great for the kids in place because they get
to feel apart just like a pregnancy.
What do you think about talking in General terms to your children at home??
Again, I know several families that have chosen to tell their
children from the beginning and all has been great. They just explained to them
like your agency explains to you.. sometimes easier terms. For us it has been
"Don't worry Jer, Jo is coming home honey.. just not yet. God is getting it all
ready. There is a court thing but not a big deal".
Kids are much more resiliant than you think.Like I said you can wait til
referral but I wouldn't suggest it because kids intuitively know something is up
and may harbor resentment towards you for it. It isn't ugly or anything... just
a long time coming. It is great to teach
patience to even them too.
IF anything , a SW would ask them?
At the age they will be, she will want to see that you
included them. She may see this as irresponsible and she WILL ask them questions
like "Are you excited about the new sister you are going to get" and expect that
they are and they know. The reason is she has to evaluate how they are and where
they are in their thoughts with this new child. Are they jealous already? Are
they showing any signs of stress? How can she help YOU with these issues? They
will be evaluated.
OUR WAIT:
This was Jer for us. He gets so frustrated but he has done
great with the 10 month wait to get Josiah home. Skyped with him 2x's and lights
up each time. We are so glad we included him. He gets just as excited about
"BRUVER" as we do!!
Final thoughts:
Personally, I would say, give the kids a chance to be blessed
as you will be. Let God worry about these things and let them pray for their
sibling with you. It is a family afair and that is how the SW will see it. They
like to see the children at home included and ready for the child's arrival. I
honestly haven't heard this view much in the 5 years I have been in adoption and
the 1 1/2 years I have counseled adoptive parents and worked with the Taiwan
side placement organization. If you are a religious person, pray about all your
decisions involving your little souls at home.
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