The Agency dance or intimidation?

The Agency dance can be delightful at times and down right frustrating at times. The agency dance is so very intricate none the less. When you first start adopting, I would say that most tips or advice other adoptive parents will give you is to be careful of the Agency you choose to work with. The Agency is going to determine the kind of service you get, they will be your only connecting lifeline between your world and the world that your child lives in. This is huge for the adoptive family and the child being adopted. There are technically two categories of Agencies for simplistic explanation. The two "types" can be one and the same however. There is first of all the Homestudy agency and secondly the placing agency.

The Homestudy agency may very well be different than the placing Agency simply because your placing agency in most scenarios does not legally have to be the same as your Homestudy agency or even in the same state that you reside (some countries will demand they be one and the same and that they be local to you). The placing agency may be in Tennessee that you choose to work with BUT you may live in Georgia. The Homestudy agency in most if not in all scenarios, has to be in your state. If the placing agency you are choosing to work with does not have a local Homestudy Social worker that can come to you, then many times the placing agency does have a "preferred network" of homestudy agencies that they contract with that they can send you to. These "preferred network homestudy" agencies have a relationship with the placing agency which may provide a discounted homestudy service to you because of the way fees are set up within the placing agency or simply will allow a more efficient working relationship between the two agencies because they work together all the time. Most Adoptive parents that have "been there done that" will suggest to you to choose your placing agency before the homestudy agency. This is suggested because of these already formed relationships and some Placing agencies will indeed choose not to work with you if you come with a homestudy that is not from their "preferred network". So choosing your "placing agency" and finding out their requirements before having a homestudy worked up is beneficial. When choosing a placing agency you may want to ask the placing agency what other countries or adoption facets they service just in case you feel at some point, like you need to change your adoption path. Make sure you ask up front and get in writing how much of the fees already paid into the venture will be rolled over to another adoptive scenario. If you change to another country or from International adoption to Domestic will they have to update your homestudy? If so, how much cost will you incur? How long will this second process take? And how much of your money paid in will transfer to this new program. Also ask terms on if the country of your choosing was to close what are the agency policies about changing countries? If they don't have a country available that matches your family and budget then what?
The Homestudy agency is going to be the one that does all the work of getting to know your family on a personal level. Evaluating you, your spouse, your children at home with you, past and present relationships, and of course your home and living style.
They will want to see that you and your spouse have worked through any infertility issues that may have been apart of your life. They want to see that your children are apart of the process and handling it in a healthy manner. They want to see that your family has worked through things in the past such as abusive relationships and problems healthily. They will weed out your weaknesses as a family unit and individually and your strengths. The Social workers are usually there to find reasons to approve your family not vice versa. I know this will land on deaf ears but here goes anyways, "Relax and don't be too uptight about the home visits." Yeah right.
You will clean your house until you can eat off the floors! You will have all your paperwork neat and prepared and you will possibly even be rushing around at the last minute sweeping up those morning crumbs Dear daughter left on the floor from her toaster strudel. None the less, there would have to be a lot in your life to have them tell you no. If you have any past such as felony or misdimeanor you will want to disclose this up front. They will deal with you much better if they know up front and nothing is found out by surprise. Don't be afraid to be real with them.
The placing agency is the agency that is going to deal directly with your child's Birth parents if you are doing a domestic or with your child's country coordinator. They are your lifeline. They will help you get extra tests, pictures, and info on your child. They are responsible to you and the country for their actions. If you are adopting internationally you may find that your process involves a very important third entity. The Third would be the orphanage or foster care of the country you are working with.
Tips for dealing with these entities.
First of all. I know very well that we all can end up in this spot where we are receiving less than tolerable service from one or both of these entities and quite frankly because of the sensitive matter of it all, we keep our lips zipped and take it. We feel intimidated by the agency because they can say yes to us or no. They can choose us for a child or make us wait longer. They can hold our pictures and updates and not deliver. The truth of it is that this intimidation can only go so far. There are lawyers that would love to hear your case. The truth of the matter is that you have paid for a service with these agencies. A service to be done in a timely manner and including all of the parts of the service you were promised. Now this is of course to be considered greatly when you are about to get gruff with your agencies. Do consider that they are servicing a lot of patrons or clients at the same time and doing a fine juggling act, do NOT allow them infinite time to do this however. There is a limit and a point where and when your undo treatment by them becomes unlawful or flat wrong. Don't be afraid to ask questions and expect answers. If you were promised a part of the service you are not receiving you have the right to ask the agency to rectify the problem and then after due time, demand that they rectify. I hate, I repeat hate, talking about the lives of children along side with business but unfortunately there is a business that these agencies are apart of and they are making money to pay their personnel, it is not wrong that you demand the personnel that your fees are paying actually do their work. Try to always keep your temper in check and be completely respectful. Continue to be open to honest reasons and explanations as to why the work remains undone, but please do not be intimidated to the point that you are paying them to mistreat you.
When dealing with independent adoption. You will more than likely have a Homestudy agency, in some states you will have to have an agency "acting" as your placing agency. This agency will usually collect fees for the usual work of a homestudy, possibly with a little extra in order to pay for any extra work they do for you in conjunction with your adoption. To find out if your state is a state where a placing agency is required, simply call your homestudy agency and ask questions. Your state requiring a placing agency, may not rule your family out from independent adoption at all if done and approached properly. They will be honest with you 9 out of 10 times. They have no reason to hide the answer from you as to whether or not you need a placing agency.
In independent, you will possibly be working with a placing entity in the form of a friend, missionary, or small orphanage not contracted with the government or other larger orphanages. There is a little more tact and understanding needed when dealing with these folks. And it is not just the issue of not paying them money to help you. If you are or aren't paying them for work rendered for you, you will want to be respectful and honest at all times. These folks are usually doing this as a labor of the heart and not asking for retribution from you, so be delicate and give them a little more room. If your source does not require a donation or retribution, you may want to consider this anyways as a gesture of good faith and friendship. No matter if you are working with all agencies or with another source, please make sure you are not ugly, mean or disrespectful at any time. Keep your mind about you and treat them as you wish to be treated. Honey goes a lot farther than vinegar. In the independent adoption, you will be working with a lot of other sources that an agency would normally work with on your behalf. So keep your head about you and pay attention. You will more than likely have a lawyer in the country that you are working with. Check into their background to the best of your ability and make sure they speak english. There will be others you will be in direct contact with. Possibly judges, AIT workers, and many others. Just take it as it comes and research every step. Your adoption will after all look very similar to that of an agency adoption, just with you doing all the paperwork and most liaison work.